The Urban Rambler buries his treasure

I bought six old coins cheap on eBay. The oldest one dates back to the early 19th century and is worth a small fortune. Altogether, I estimate these coins are worth 3,000 to 5,000 francs. And the best bit? I only paid one franc for the coins (plus seven francs postage).

I always say: ‘Buy cheap, sell expensive.’ It’s a motto that has served me well in life.

I popped the coins into my glasses case and drove to Erwin Dietrich AG, at Werdmühleplatz. The counter was manned by a portly coin expert who ignored me for as long as he could. Clearing my throat, I pointed to my coins: ‘I bought these coins for 6,000 francs and I want to sell them for 5,000 francs.’ That’s how you enter into a price negotiation. The guy picked up the coins and shot back at me: ‘All fakes.’

Of course, I was a little taken aback. I left the shop and studied my coins more closely. One of them had the word ‘replica’ on the edge. But that could mean anything.

I went over to the City police station, where an older policewoman was sitting at reception. She looked just like my mother. I showed her the coins and asked whether I was breaking the law. She looked at me questioningly. I told her the coins were apparently all fakes. The policewoman who looked like my mum told me I’m not allowed to sell them, but I can give them away.

Great. I’ll give them away then. But who to? Maybe my kids, if they ever bring home a good report card? Or perhaps my wife, if she lets me have my way with her?

I felt pretty down as I headed for Lindenhof park. I began to sob quietly. Just once in my miserable life, I thought I was going to make a killing.

I watched two men playing chess. They moved the giant pieces until they all looked black in the darkness and the game no longer made sense.

Then they put the kings, bishops and knights back in the box and left. I sat and stared after them for a long time. Now what? Get drunk? Finally – a constructive idea.

By the way, I hid the coins under the box that stores the chess pieces. If you kneel down and pull out this worthless treasure you can keep it. But please don’t sell the coins – you’ll be breaking the law. The policewoman who looks like my mum might just show up on your doorstep.